Thoughts of an Empty Mind
by Hope A
Summary: Wesley has sudden revelations after Fred's death.
1. Thoughts of an Empty Mind

**TITLE:** Thoughts of an Empty Mind  
**AUTHOR: **Hope A  
**SUMMARY: **Wesley has sudden revelations after Fred's death.  
**RATING:** PG

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters mentioned in this fanfiction. Joss and Co. own all.**

The moment passed like any other would. It was quick and painless, then how come it hurt so much? The pain was slight then grew more and more with every passing second. He leaned down cradling her in his arms, crying softly. He thought the pain would become too much to bare when suddenly her body jolted. Was she alive again? Had she awakened from her eternal sleep? Then suddenly she flung him off the bed, across the room. He could hear her body convulsing on the floor. Slowly he sat up, for he feared what would come to stand in front of him. Would it be the love, the woman he lost, or another creature unknown to him? As her body rose from the ground, he saw her tinted blue skin and hair. His worse fear had come true. She was really gone. He was taken aback at first. She cocked her head to one side and stared at him. Then she finally spoke. When he heard the first three words she uttered he knew it was not her, it was the monster, the virus that took her over. He almost felt like crying again, but more than anything wanted to kill it. This being before him wasn't even worthy enough to be called she, the being was an it, an undeserving creature that he wanted nothing to do with.

His anger overpowered him. He stood speaking its true name, Illyria. Its head turned to look at him. Stunned at his audacity to utter its name, it turned completely and questioned him. He did not like the new being that overtook this body. He wanted her back. Too afraid to express his true feelings of sadness, he attempted to kill her. Finding out it was invincible stunned and angered him. He did not want this thing masquerading around in her body. Even though some of her features had changed due to the transformation, she was still there, her form her beauty glaring at him. He could not take this body disliking him, when he loved it so. Loving her was the best thing he had in life. Seeing her is what he looked forward to in life. He woke up and lived for her. Now that she was gone, there was nothing left for him in life. She was the greatest thing to ever happen to him, and without realizing it, he not only loved her, but lived her.

She was reason for life, without a reason what's the point. The sudden realization that his life had no meaning, upset him. He just wanted to be with her and if dying was the only way to do it, then so be it. He had taken lives before why should his be any harder. Christ, he almost killed Gunn. But there was one ounce of hope left in him. A little voice in the back of his mind, telling him to go on, live, survive, for her. Her voice was in his mind, telling him to not give up, to find a way to bring her back. A sudden and explosive burst of hope entered his mind. Anger started to resurface in his head and he believed that with enough vengeance, power and time he could bring her back or at least get rid of the thing that took over her body. And finally be able to let her lay to rest in a respectable manner.

At the end of the day, his mission seemed fruitless. He gave up on trying to get her back. He had a new assignment now, to help Illyria. He figured that since he was to be spending a lot of time with it, he should call it by its name, Illyria. This new name and form would be an adjustment for him, for everybody. Every time he looked at it, he shivered. He searched for the warmth and love in its eyes that resembled her, but he could no longer find it. Her warmth, beauty, life, it was all dead now. Nothing was left but a shell. Illyria was right to all itself a shell. That's what it was. No longer a living, breathing, loving being of society, just a costume; a mask that it could put on to look human. He hated to think of her body as just a shell. He loved her so much, almost too much. And when he finally got his chance to be with her and love her, the way he always wanted to, it was all taken away. Some days he would just sit in his home or office, and remember all the time they spent together, as he drank down a bottle of Vodka. He felt so empty sometimes, and drinking would fill the void in his soul. Illyria would interrupt him sometimes. He hated when it did that. One day, he dreamed that they killed Illyria and that she was back again. When it woke him up, he sprang and tried to kill it. Due to instinct and self defense it fought back and nearly killed him. But it realized he was inebriated from the horrible smell that permeated off him, and also from his actions. It knew that he did not normally speak and lash out like this. After he broke down and let out his anger, by smashing many of his empty whisky and vodka bottles against a wall, he quietly apologized to it. Even though he really wanted nothing to do with Illyria anymore, he still had an obligation to apologize. He almost felt like he owed it to her. Even in death he could feel her guiding him and telling him what was the right thing to do. That's what he loved most about her. She always tried to do the right thing and help others do so also. Especially with Angel; she helped him a lot when she was around.

Sudden revelations of life and death hit him harder now. Before death was just a part of the job. Something that happened that you couldn't control. But this time it was personal, and he knew he could have prevented it. That's what angered him the most. The people surrounding him could have stopped it. Or tried to, he knew Angel and Spike did everything they could. He couldn't expect them to choose her life over thousands. Or could he? Her life was very valuable. The more he thought about it, the more he wished they had sacrificed the many for her. It kept making more and more sense every passing day. But in the back of his mind the sensible, smart, caring Wesley still existed. This Wesley knew that Fred would not have wanted so many to die in order for her to live. And that's what brought him back. Her. She always made him think sensibly, realistically. Just thinking of her made everything tick right in his brain. It's what gets him through each day and onto the next. But if he thinks too much about her, he can't function. Sadness just takes over. Some days he wishes he died too, just so he could see her again. He did not know what existed on the other side, nor did he care at this point. He could not be certain that anything existed on the other side. As long as he could see her, he would be happy. His eternal rest would be fulfilled if he could see her face one more time. Just to smile, or laugh with her would be a dream come true. So many nights he would wake up and think she was there with him. Even if it was for a second, or a moment. Sometimes she looked like an angel with a glowing halo hovering over her head. He would imagine the perfect kiss. It would last for what seemed like eternity, but then suddenly end and could see her smiling back at him with her big brown eyes. Her eyes always brought him deeper into her soul. He felt so safe and happy lost in her eyes. Sometimes in this dream, he would begin to cry. She would wipe his tears away and hold him until the pain passed. That's all he wanted, her comfort and support. But sometimes she would begin to cry instead. And he would comfort her. Wipe away her tears and let her let go. He imagined his heaven would look something like that. All white and magical and perfect. Just being with her was perfect. Even if they were in a dark place, as long as she was there. But usually he would wake up before he could see everything.

Angel would come and check on him sometimes, just to make sure he was doing okay. Angel knew this was the hardest thing he had to get over. Even worse than the guilt Wesley felt after thinking he killed his father. Wesley never broke down in front of anyone though. Sometimes in front of Illyria, but usually it was because he was drunk and dreaming, and thought it was her. If his thoughts became too much to handle, he would walk away or lock himself in his office all day. The others new it was difficult for him sometimes. When he would randomly exit a meeting or conversation, they knew why, but would never speak about it. No one ever questioned Wesley. Mainly because they were afraid to. They feared he would be lost forever if he kept focusing on her death. But Angel reassured them that he would come out of it soon. When ever the others spoke about Wesley with each other, they would refer to him as if he was in some sort of a coma or deep sleep. In a way he was. He always walked around looking like he was lost or dreaming. He was lost, but he wasn't dreaming. He just wished he was dreaming. That soon Fred would wake him up soon and tell him to get up and get ready for work. But it wasn't a dream. He was at work, trying to help the "helpless". What if he was one of them? Angel never paused to help others, but when it came to helping their own, for some reason, he did. Like with Fred. Wesley could not stop thinking about what happened. He wants to blame Angel, and Gunn, and everybody at Wolfram and Hart, but he can't. It's not anymore their fault as it his. Knox was really the one to blame, but he was dead now. Wesley figured his action in killing him was justified. One life for another, even thought that's not how they operated. Knox was an innocent, a human, and evil human, but a human none the less. There were so many people Wesley thought of that could be to blame for her death, but in the end, it always came back to him. Wesley felt like he could have done more. But he couldn't, it was inevitable. Like Knox said this plan had been set in motion millions of years ago. The only thing they could have done was stayed at Angel Investigations. The more he thought over their decision the more he wanted to change it. Why did they come here? To help people? Wolfram and Hart never helped anybody, why would they start now. If they hadn't taken the offer, Fred and Wesley may not have ended up together, but at least she'd be alive. At least he'd be able to get up every morning and see her smiling face. But not anymore.

Soon Wesley began thinking of ways to get over this. It is never easy to get over the death of a loved one, especially someone you couldn't have for so many years and then finally get a chance with. He began to think positively. Thought about how happy Fred must be in heaven, supposing she was in heaven. And that one day he would join her. He began to drown himself in his work. Training with Illyria, watching it fight with Spike, and react to human emotions. Watch as its emotions began to change more and more every day. He saw hope in having it as a part of their team. He thought of Illyria as a replacement, an exchange student, not something that took over Fred. The less he thought of it as Fred, the more he liked having it around. It would take time to get used to its new attitude and the way it spoke.

As the final battle drew closer, Wesley realized what an asset Illyria would be for them. It was almost better. If Fred had lived and she was the one who had to fight, she probably would not survive. It almost seemed like fate that Fred would have an undeserving and surprising death. He was little bit angry about that. She had survived 5 years as a slave in an alternate demon dimension. But then she comes to Wolfram and Hart and is killed. But he couldn't focus on that now. He had to concentrate on fighting and more importantly winning. This battle could be the end. Hopefully he'd live to see how it ends . . . To be continued


	2. Passing On

TITLE: Thoughts of an Empty Mind 2  
  
AUTHOR: Hope A  
  
SUMMARY: Wesley has sudden revelations after Fred's death.  
  
RATING: PG DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters mentioned in this fanfiction. Joss and Co. own all.  
  
All of a sudden Wesley thought he could feel the earth spinning. Every rotation getting faster and faster. This sudden feeling, he guessed, was what the battle was supposed to feel like. He felt like he had no control, things were falling apart fasting than he could think. Angel's news about the Circle of the Black Thorn shook Wesley back to reality. He was in. He would fight that last battle and risk his life for their mission. He couldn't feel down on himself at a time like this. His mission was clear and he knew what he had to do. After hours of preparing and waiting, he realized he hadn't thought about Fred for the longest time since her death. This made him feel good because he was getting past her death, but sad and a little angry that he had forgotten her. How do you forget the love of your life? This thought brought him down. He was afraid of what would happen if he didn't think of Fred all the time. Would Fred get mad at him? Would others? Would he get mad at himself? He knew the answer to that question. Yes.  
  
Forgetting Fred was like losing apart of himself. Even though it was a short lived romance, his time with Fred made him feel whole. Being together made his life complete. And now that Fred was gone, thinking about her filled the void. As he went through his last day before the battle, he wished Fred was there. Just to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be fine. He didn't dare ask Illyria to change into Fred, for some reason that bothered him. He figured because it wasn't really Fred, just an imitator. He dreamed a lot that day. Dreamed of a life without demons and monsters, just him and Fred. He dreamed of another life, with demons and monsters, but the battle was done and they prevailed. These dreams were too perfect for him to even imagine and he would wake up and curse himself for believing that such places existed. Every time he thought of Fred, he would get angry and tell himself that she was gone and to get over it. He wished his friends would do the same, but he could sense that they were scared to even talk to him, about things not pertaining to Fred. He was almost angry at their awkwardness around him. Especially with Angel.  
  
They had been through so much, and were always there for each other, but during a time he really needed Angel, he couldn't really count on him. Angel's weird attitude turned Wesley away from him. He felt like he couldn't trust him, which meant he couldn't turn to him. He knew he couldn't rely on Gunn. He practically killed him, why would Gunn help him now, especially with such a delicate issue. He wasn't close enough to Lorne or Spike to ask for their help. He felt like he was losing everyone around him. His life was falling apart right in front of him and the only person who could help fix it was gone. Everything came back to her. It was inevitable that he would not be able to live his life without her. Death seemed like an easy solution, but one he was not ready to make. As his thoughts flooded his mind and kept him from his true mission, the battle drew closer. He finally came out of his dream like state and prepared for the worst.  
  
Angel told Wesley Illyria was his responsibility and Wesley knew if she messed up, it'd be his fault. But at the same time she was a great asset and he would take the risk of her getting "twitchy". As annoying as Illyria had been before, teaching her and watching her had been somewhat of an experience. One Wesley would never forget. As he spent more time around her he found himself caring more for her. Not as much as he would for another human, but for something important and valuable. After her quarrel with Hamilton he discovered himself worrying about Illyria. About her safety and overall well-being. This had never happened before. In fact at first he just wanted her dead. He wanted nothing to do with the creature that stole the love of his life away form him. These new feelings and concern for her, surprised him. He knew she could never ever replace Fred, and he would never want her to. But for some reason he felt that if he ever lost her, he' d be disappointed and quite upset.  
  
As he helped heal Illyria from her recent battle with Hamilton, he spoke of his perfect day. Fred. That's all he needed to say. She was his perfect day. Just to be with her, see her, hear her laugh, but as he told Illyria, he could not have his perfect day. Illyria offered to change for him, but the illusion would harm him more than it would help. He can't be fooled by the lie, the façade. He must be stronger than that. He had to separate truth from illusion. Because in the world of magics, it's the hardest thing to do. The truth was, that Fred was gone. To pretend that she wasn't would not help him cope with this new fact. As they all met before the final battle, Wesley thought about what a day with Fred would have been like. That happiness would guide him in battle. He knew there was nothing he could do but be confident that he would win and see the final battle that awaited them. As he began talking with Vail, he reminded himself to be strong. He thought his plan was going to be successful. As he worked his magic, Vail began to seem unpersuasive. But as the conversation went on, it took a turn for the worse.  
  
Wesley's eyes widened as he felt a sharp cold pain in his stomach. Wesley gasps as Vail turned the knife. Wesley conjured one more large fireball in his palm, and it exploded, the force of it sending Vail across the room into a wall, knocking him out, which released Wesley from his grip. Wesley fell but landed on his feet. He stumbled and is about to fall to the ground when Illyria rushed into the room. She caught him in her arms and knelt beside him on the floor. This new feeling came as a release and at the same time a new control over him. He knew death was coming soon for him and his soul would finally be freed. But as usual Illyria was there to state the obvious and tell him of his upcoming death. But he was glad she came. Even though he tried to deny it, he wanted her to change for him. And at his command she lied to him. Seeing her pure milky skin again, and sparking eyes made him so happy, even during a time of great pain. Just her soft touch made him feel better. He missed her so much and seeing her there in front of him was a dream come true. As she leaned down to kiss him, he paused freezing the perfect moment in his mind forever. Then she told him it wouldn't be much longer and he'd be where she was and they'd be together. As she said she loved him he passed on. Those three little words made his release so much easier and better. As Wesley felt a darkness come over him and her facing fading away, he smiled inside glad to see her one last time, even though he knew he'd see her soon. When he opened his eyes again, she was there, same way he left. She was holding him in her arms, more beautiful than he could ever remember. She was perfect. He smiled up at her, not believing that he was with her forever. She looked angelic, which made him want to cry. She silenced his gasps and kissed him softly, not ending the kiss for several seconds. Wesley wished he could stay like that forever. When they pulled apart, she was still there. He knew this was not a dream, that this was death. He did not see anyone else though. They were in some sort of room, similar to that of the white room. He felt so safe, the safest and happiest he'd ever felt in his life. If death was supposed to feel like this he liked it very much. Especially since she was there. For what seemed like eternity, they sat there and smiled and looked at each other. They did not exchange words and this scared him. He was afraid it would end soon and he did not want that. His face suddenly changed. Fred noticed this and calmed him down. She assured him that they would be together forever, and not to worry. Her peaceful words and soft smile would never lie to him. He trusted her so much and this feeling of wholeness made him know he was complete and would be perfectly happy for eternity. Then he leaned up and caressed her face as he kissed her again, a kiss that would never end, the perfect beginning to eternity with her. 


End file.
